Belong

I was thirteen, my hair was in a single plait, I was smart but not a topper, I was funny but not a comedian, I was talented but not outstanding. Yet, everyday I felt like I was special. No not because of my parents, no not because of my friends but it was the way I saw myself.

But that changed, boys teased me, called me names and pushed me and the girls stood and watched as they tore me down bit by bit. The girls looked hot, had a lot of boyfriends and I had nought, so they teased and made fun of me because I was different. Mother fought with the school, the principal laughed and said that's part of growing up. 

My eyes welled up everyday, my heart hurt because I could not understand what was wrong with me. I had been nice, I played with them, I tried my best but why won't they accept who I am. Slowly but surely, I changed, I became afraid, I became hard-shelled, and I became alone and caged. 

I tried ignoring, I tried being nice and most of all I tried to connect, but alas no one wanted that. Instead it became worse everyday, yes I thought of it ending my life I mean, but I knew I was meant for something great. 

Let's fast forward today, 9 years later, I'm still a little funny, I'm still talented and yet Im succeeding in my own little way. I came back to this place, where the people are the same, time for them hasn't changed, they still continue to be hurtful but I'm more than okay. Yes, I don't belong, I never really did but that's what makes me different.

R.A.P.E

He watched her as she walked down the streets, she looked like a meal waiting to be devoured.

She was inviting him to taste her just because she was wearing jeans, she only wanted to look pretty.

He smiled to his mates knowing today was his lucky day, she shouldn’t have been roaming the streets this late.

She dint want to be the stereotypical house wife, so she chose to build her career which she soon realized was a mistake.

He gathered his friends and walked as if they owned the world towards her knowing that she wanted it, this way.

She saw them at a distance and tried to pick up her pace, but alas to them her no meant yes.

She screamed and cried, begging them don’t hurt me, please stay away, but to these men it was their right of way.

He licked his lips as he undressed her enjoying the tears and cries she made, he knew she was helpless and that gave him all the more happiness.

She felt them hurt her, abuse her body that she kept so sacred, she froze unable to move as she saw every man take their turn as her soul and body was naked.

Then it stopped, she hoped and prayed is this finally over, and then the next minute the men whispered on how they were going to kill her.

She tried to move, she tried to scream, she begged god please let this be a dream.

He smiled to her and brought the knife ready to cut into the flesh of the girl hanging to her dear life.

As he buried and threw the last remains he wondered what can he do for the rest of the day, maybe he would find his next play.

Shame that we live in this county where the victims get blamed and the rapists walk away. When oh when will the girls of this country ever be safe?

Pondering over him

 

My heart aches with every touch of your hand and every smell of you, as I don’t think anyone held me in that same way. I never thought I could ever like someone like you, but who knew I would fall this way for you.

The way you held me made me feel wanted and loved, like I was the most special being in this world we were on.

You hugged me like we would never see each other again, guess what, we didn’t. You looked into my eyes like I was the only person you wanted to be around, too bad it was the last.

I remember as I was cuddled on to your shoulder my hand rested on your chest, I felt your heart pounding without a rest. Never thought someone else would like me, but you did even when I was crazy.

Reminiscing the last nights remembering all that happened that night, tears flow down as I fight. I remember your smell, it still lingers on my clothes, but now it’s a memory that seems to be afloat.

I don’t trust people so easy, but somehow you seem to have won my heart so easily. How could it be so hard when we only met once, I feel like a part of me has been ripped ever since. I look back and wonder was it real, or was it a fantasy I built. Who would ever think I could fall for a guy this simple?

Man or Woman

He swished his head from left to right, as though his hair was long and light.
He looks at himself in the mirror and he sees this beautiful young angelic face.

Why won’t anybody see me the same?

He changed his name from Pete to PETA, he changed his clothes from a boy to a lady.

His heart was filled with love and appreciation, unfortunately the rest of the world wasn’t.

Why can’t they accept me he cries to the mirror?

He just wanted to be normal, he just wanted to be like everyone else. Yet, the world saw him through another lens.

Religion was created for Good to win over evil, but yet it has separated us and made us more like the devil.

He looks around, his head hung in shame, Something he was born with we cannot blame.

He came from a good family, maybe even better than ours. He was kind and pure, more than I can ever say for this entire population.

Isn’t it funny we are taught to love and accept, but no because he was a woman born in a man we were taught to reject.

Ocean

As I walk down the sand as each foot sinks deeper into the ground, I look at the beautiful nightly sky all around.

I can smell the salty waters as I bring myself closer, I can feel the wind gushing through my hair.

I listen as the sound of the thunderous wave hits on the hot rocks, I can see there is no end to the ocean at all.

I swear I felt an echo, the ocean calling out to me, asking me to come inside. I place my toe in the water afraid that it might be too cold but it wasn’t.

I take a deep breath in as I lift my dress off my chest. I close my eyes so thankful because I knew this moment was special.

I remove my sandals and walk inside a little by little, I push my hands out as I feel the drip of the ocean.

For this first time in ages, I feel one with the ocean.

Loss

Loss everyone knows what it means but very few know how it feels.

I remember how he told me always be happy and listen to what your parents say.

I remember even though he was so old he always carried himself with a smile on his face.

I remember how he always seems to bring a smile to his children’s face no matter how troubled they were.

I remember he always used to treat his children equally, giving them care and love whenever they needed it.

My mother always told me he used to travel for miles and live far away only because he wanted his family to be happy.

I remember barely spending any time with him, yet he always made it a point to ask about me and send his blessings my way.

I remember how much he appreciated every-time someone cooked him a meal, he used to get happiness from very simple things.

I remember wanting to see him before he left, but I never got a chance to say goodbye.

So here it is, I’m sorry I didn’t get to know you better, I’m sorry we dint spend much time. I know you have been an impact in so many peoples lives. I am glad I got to know from all the stories I heard. Most importantly, I wanna thank you for raising a wonderful daughter and giving all your love and devotion.

I will miss you grandfather but I know your in a better place.

Fantasy

As she drove down the boulevard, the wind ran through her hair and the sun beamed on to her eyes. She felt freedom for that single moment, hoping it could last forever, sadly it would never.

Her thoughts for the first time were on pause, as she wondered where in the world she would like to be lost. By the beach in a remote island, or a city where no one sleeps, no she could not go far she doesn’t have the means.

As she stared at the road, she dreamed about just driving all the way to the edge of the world, where no one could stop her. Where she dint have a care in the world and all that mattered was her, for the first time in years.

She closes her eyes and smells the beautiful beach of Tuscany waiting to be explored by her adventurous nature. She takes another breath in and hears the bustling streets of New York, where it waits for her to explore.

But alas, she comes back to reality, knowing she’s only driving to her house where her home is no longer her sanctity.

Goodbye to this fantasy, shutting the car door quietly.

Perfect Love

 

You wonder did I mean anything to them or was I just another notch in their belt.

How could we be so in love one minute and the next, can’t wait to get rid of them. Why do we enjoy the feeling of being loved, even though at it’s most it’s just a validation we seek outside.

I feel my heart being wrenched from my chest, as I reminisce the beautiful moments of the so called ‘love’ we shared. Now all I feel is pain so deep inside till my bones can feel it too, how could I become so broken when it wasn’t even true.

How many times will I go down memory lane, is there no way to forget and shut it out.

Do I really know what loves is?

Is it love when they cheat?

Is it love when they beat?

Is it love when they lie?

Or is it combination of the above.

Stories and movies portray this perfect love, he loves you just as you love him. Unfortunately, for some of us, it will never come to be true.

To Strangers Again

I knew what we had, only lasted for a second. But even then, I could feel the moment like it was happening today.

I notice how our chats became shorter and less frequent, and you no longer say I miss you.

As each day passes I know it will never be the same, because it was only a second that we shared. Soon our conversations will stop and you will find someone new, but I will still think about that moment we went through.

I remember how often you called me, just to ask me if I had eaten, now all I hope is a message saying that you miss me but even that isn’t there.

I remember how you insisted on wanting to meet me, but as time passed it dint seem to matter. Tears flow down my cheek as I remember the care and love we shared before, but now it’s like a vision that happened a lifetime before.

It’s funny how a day or moment can change from friends, to lovers and very soon strangers again.

Loosing a part of me

Sometimes I feel I lost a part of me, when I let things fall apart. Its like I’m locked in this room all alone, surrounded by the dark.

I look back and think was it another life I was in, then the feelings come back and I remember it wasn’t.

I stand strong and collected knowing deep down by the drop of the pin, I would be broken.

I close my eyes and these memories good and bad come to my vision, this time is like an extension.

I am surround by people, yet I feel all alone, maybe I am just hanging out in this world like another clone.

Relationships and interactions are no longer the same, its like we seek interaction on social media hoping it would bring us to fame.

Our society has lost its way, all they do is dictate how we should act and live, and every time I break out of those norms its like I’m a disgrace to the society we live in.

I am not someone who needs to be surrounded by validation. Yet I sometimes change myself in hopes and dreams that someone out there will love me without hesitation.